Quote of the day

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson

Word of the day: Douchebaguette

Douchebaguette: A female douchebag. A woman who exhibits characteristics of a douchebag.

Sentence: Why is it everytime I see this girl Amy she always acts like a Douchebaguette whenever she sees me and my pals.

Most Valuable Phony

So David "Big Papi" Ortiz just recently hit his first homerun in 149 AB (At Bats) this season.

This is the same guy who single handedly changed the culture of the Boston Red Sox... he was a Dominican version of Babe Ruth. But now the guy has about as much power in his bat as David Spade had in the film "The Benchwarmers."

Question: Did Big Papi take PEDs (Performing Enhancing Drugs)? I'd have to say YES!

I don't hate Big Papi... he's definitely a good dude. But any and all evidence would seem to suggest otherwise.

These are his homerun totals with the Minnesota Twins:

1997: 1 HR/ 49 AB
1998: 9 HR/ 278 AB
1999: 0 HR/ 20 AB
2000: 10 HR/ 415 AB
2001: 18 HR/ 303 AB
2002: 20 HR/ 412 AB

Big Papi doesn't seem so big now does he? The same dude who helped the Sox come back from a 3-0 deficit against the NY Yankees in the 2004 American League Championship Series was only able to muster up a career high of 20 HR in '02. I'd say that he was more like Small Papi with the Twins.

These are his homerun totals with the Boston Red Sox:

2003: 31 HR/ 448 AB
2004: 41 HR/ 582 AB
2005: 47 HR/ 601 AB
2006: 54 HR/ 558 AB
2007: 35 HR/ 549 AB
2008: 23 HR/ 416 AB

Now isn't that a complete transformation. He goes from swinging a bat like a minor leaguer to swinging a bat like a living legend... I truly smell something fishy here. While all of this is going on in Boston it should be noted that when he arrived to town he instantly became best friends with Manny Ramirez (Who's currently serving a 50 game suspension for testing positive for PEDs).

The Minnesota Twins are excellent talent evaluators... and I don't think that they would've released Ortiz if they would've known before hand that the guy could clobber homeruns about as easily as Perez Hilton could draw a penis on a celebrity photo.

I mean is it really a coincidence that as soon as Major League Baseball begins to crack down on PEDs Ortiz's homerun numbers begin to go down as fast as Karrine "Supahead" Steffans goes down on a rapper at a videoshoot. I think not.

Pretty much the version of Big Papi that the Red Sox have is the same Big Papi the Twins had when he hit 20 homeruns in '02.

Be careful Big Papi... I mean I know that you're innocent until proven guilty, but your career stats would seem to suggest something different.

Oh Big Papi who hit 54 homeruns in '06... where art thou?

[Photo courtesy of tory1993.wordpress.com]

The Greatest Sport Moment in all of History

You may be asking yourself what might that moment be... well let me first introduce you to a man named Al Bundy.



The year was 1966, Bundy's Polk High School Panthers were facing off against Andrew Johnson High School for the city championship. This was the game that changed Bundy's life forever. Never have I seen a more dominant high school sports figure since LeBron James played basketball for St. Vincent-St. Mary High School.

Not only did Bundy score FOUR touchdowns in that one game... but he also scored the game winning touchdown with only seconds to spare. Bundy will forever be remembered as not only a great shoe salesman but also as the greatest high school football player of all time.

And if you don't believe me then I'll just let the man tell you the story himself.



[Photo courtesy of www.thedreamshake.com]

H1N1: The New Pandemic

Mad Cow disease?

Avian Bird Flu?

SARS?

Now it's Swine Flu or as it's currently known, H1N1. It seems as if with every new year that comes by it's a brand new disease that's introduced to the entire world. Before H1N1 came around I really didn't give two s**** about all other diseases.

Mad Cow disease? Screw that I'm having myself a crave case from White Castle.

Avian Bird Flu? I'll just make sure not to go to any of the local parks in Jersey.

SARS? Isn't that crap running wild in the Asian continent?

When I first heard of H1N1 I began to think what's next? Are we going to get attacked by giant fruits like in that old 80s flick "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!"

I knew this one was going to be different... just because a bunch of cases started popping of. So many of the cases occurring were happening right by my neighborhood. It's insane how a disease that started in Mexico traveled all the way to Queens, NY. Then all of sudden here it comes across the Hudson River to Jersey.

Just recently a grammar school about 10 blocks from my house just got shut down with supposed flu like symptons running wild throughout the school... woah! Now that's definitely some concerning s***.

What worries me the most is my damn job... once again Wally World you come through! I could see myself coming to work strapped up with weapons than The Punisher and a Taliban fighter combined. Lol, okay so I know it's not that serious... but I mean you never know. Since Wally World started making new renovations the store has become smaller and much more cramped. You must be a true masochist to come to the store on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. A store filled with massive amounts of people, to have to make a long line to be able to pay for your stuff and with aisles tighter than Miley Cyrus' butthole... Wally World just wants us to get the H1N1 virus soon enough.

Now that this new virus has hit so close to home... who know where it just might end up next.

All I know is that I'll definitely have my flask of Jack Daniels, a small bottle of Holy Water, a necklace made of pure garlic and my trusty boxcutter ready to slide and dice virus filled motherf******!

[Photo courtesy of motls.blogspot.com]

Let's go Mets?

Let's take a closer look at some of the major lowlights the NY Mets have had this 2009 season:

-Daniel Murphy drops a fly ball against the Florida Marlins and the Mets lose, even after Johan Santana threw a gem.

-Carlos Beltran decides to run pass home plate instead of just sliding, he gets tagged out and the Mets lose versus the St. Louis Cardinals.

-Pedro Feliciano gets called for a balk at the mound and there goes another game the Mets lose.

-Gary Sheffield drops a fly ball out in left field, but the Mets still win the game.

-Instead of going for a sweep against the San Francisco Giants the Mets lose after Mike Pelfrey gets called for THREE balks, Mets lose 2-0.

-Against the Los Angeles Dodgers Ryan Church forgets to tag third base and instead of giving the Mets a 3-2 lead he gets called out. Later in the bottom of the 10th inning the Dodgers load the bases with Brian Stokes in the mound. Outfielders Angel Pagan and Carlos Beltran misplay a fly ball and Jeremy Reed (who's an outfielder but has to play first base after a hip injury has sidelined Carlos Delgado for almost two months) makes a throwing error to home plate giving the Dodgers the win. The Mets commit FIVE errors the entire game.

All of these f****** miscues are really pissing me off. How is it the Mets are losing games by basically messing up the fundamentals of baseball. Instead of fixing their constant mistakes they continue to outdo themselves in the worst way possible.

These NY Mets this early in the season remind me of another fictional baseball team that started out the same way they did with constant miscues and blunders...

Meet Jo Koy, his son and "Ting Ting"

I recently came home from work absolutely tired and after I finished eating I was channel surfing (I never how retarded that sounds) and I came across Jo Koy and his Comedy Central special, Don't Make Him Angry! I laughed so hard after watching the clip above on television that I literally cried tears. Even just listening to it makes it just as funny... enjoy ladies and gentlemen.

*Sorry about the sound clip... I tried to search for an entired video clip and this was the best I could muster up. I failed you my peeps! Enjoy... TING TING!!!!