Quote of the day

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson

Word of the day: Douchebaguette

Douchebaguette: A female douchebag. A woman who exhibits characteristics of a douchebag.

Sentence: Why is it everytime I see this girl Amy she always acts like a Douchebaguette whenever she sees me and my pals.

Most Valuable Phony

So David "Big Papi" Ortiz just recently hit his first homerun in 149 AB (At Bats) this season.

This is the same guy who single handedly changed the culture of the Boston Red Sox... he was a Dominican version of Babe Ruth. But now the guy has about as much power in his bat as David Spade had in the film "The Benchwarmers."

Question: Did Big Papi take PEDs (Performing Enhancing Drugs)? I'd have to say YES!

I don't hate Big Papi... he's definitely a good dude. But any and all evidence would seem to suggest otherwise.

These are his homerun totals with the Minnesota Twins:

1997: 1 HR/ 49 AB
1998: 9 HR/ 278 AB
1999: 0 HR/ 20 AB
2000: 10 HR/ 415 AB
2001: 18 HR/ 303 AB
2002: 20 HR/ 412 AB

Big Papi doesn't seem so big now does he? The same dude who helped the Sox come back from a 3-0 deficit against the NY Yankees in the 2004 American League Championship Series was only able to muster up a career high of 20 HR in '02. I'd say that he was more like Small Papi with the Twins.

These are his homerun totals with the Boston Red Sox:

2003: 31 HR/ 448 AB
2004: 41 HR/ 582 AB
2005: 47 HR/ 601 AB
2006: 54 HR/ 558 AB
2007: 35 HR/ 549 AB
2008: 23 HR/ 416 AB

Now isn't that a complete transformation. He goes from swinging a bat like a minor leaguer to swinging a bat like a living legend... I truly smell something fishy here. While all of this is going on in Boston it should be noted that when he arrived to town he instantly became best friends with Manny Ramirez (Who's currently serving a 50 game suspension for testing positive for PEDs).

The Minnesota Twins are excellent talent evaluators... and I don't think that they would've released Ortiz if they would've known before hand that the guy could clobber homeruns about as easily as Perez Hilton could draw a penis on a celebrity photo.

I mean is it really a coincidence that as soon as Major League Baseball begins to crack down on PEDs Ortiz's homerun numbers begin to go down as fast as Karrine "Supahead" Steffans goes down on a rapper at a videoshoot. I think not.

Pretty much the version of Big Papi that the Red Sox have is the same Big Papi the Twins had when he hit 20 homeruns in '02.

Be careful Big Papi... I mean I know that you're innocent until proven guilty, but your career stats would seem to suggest something different.

Oh Big Papi who hit 54 homeruns in '06... where art thou?

[Photo courtesy of tory1993.wordpress.com]

The Greatest Sport Moment in all of History

You may be asking yourself what might that moment be... well let me first introduce you to a man named Al Bundy.



The year was 1966, Bundy's Polk High School Panthers were facing off against Andrew Johnson High School for the city championship. This was the game that changed Bundy's life forever. Never have I seen a more dominant high school sports figure since LeBron James played basketball for St. Vincent-St. Mary High School.

Not only did Bundy score FOUR touchdowns in that one game... but he also scored the game winning touchdown with only seconds to spare. Bundy will forever be remembered as not only a great shoe salesman but also as the greatest high school football player of all time.

And if you don't believe me then I'll just let the man tell you the story himself.



[Photo courtesy of www.thedreamshake.com]

H1N1: The New Pandemic

Mad Cow disease?

Avian Bird Flu?

SARS?

Now it's Swine Flu or as it's currently known, H1N1. It seems as if with every new year that comes by it's a brand new disease that's introduced to the entire world. Before H1N1 came around I really didn't give two s**** about all other diseases.

Mad Cow disease? Screw that I'm having myself a crave case from White Castle.

Avian Bird Flu? I'll just make sure not to go to any of the local parks in Jersey.

SARS? Isn't that crap running wild in the Asian continent?

When I first heard of H1N1 I began to think what's next? Are we going to get attacked by giant fruits like in that old 80s flick "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!"

I knew this one was going to be different... just because a bunch of cases started popping of. So many of the cases occurring were happening right by my neighborhood. It's insane how a disease that started in Mexico traveled all the way to Queens, NY. Then all of sudden here it comes across the Hudson River to Jersey.

Just recently a grammar school about 10 blocks from my house just got shut down with supposed flu like symptons running wild throughout the school... woah! Now that's definitely some concerning s***.

What worries me the most is my damn job... once again Wally World you come through! I could see myself coming to work strapped up with weapons than The Punisher and a Taliban fighter combined. Lol, okay so I know it's not that serious... but I mean you never know. Since Wally World started making new renovations the store has become smaller and much more cramped. You must be a true masochist to come to the store on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. A store filled with massive amounts of people, to have to make a long line to be able to pay for your stuff and with aisles tighter than Miley Cyrus' butthole... Wally World just wants us to get the H1N1 virus soon enough.

Now that this new virus has hit so close to home... who know where it just might end up next.

All I know is that I'll definitely have my flask of Jack Daniels, a small bottle of Holy Water, a necklace made of pure garlic and my trusty boxcutter ready to slide and dice virus filled motherf******!

[Photo courtesy of motls.blogspot.com]

Let's go Mets?

Let's take a closer look at some of the major lowlights the NY Mets have had this 2009 season:

-Daniel Murphy drops a fly ball against the Florida Marlins and the Mets lose, even after Johan Santana threw a gem.

-Carlos Beltran decides to run pass home plate instead of just sliding, he gets tagged out and the Mets lose versus the St. Louis Cardinals.

-Pedro Feliciano gets called for a balk at the mound and there goes another game the Mets lose.

-Gary Sheffield drops a fly ball out in left field, but the Mets still win the game.

-Instead of going for a sweep against the San Francisco Giants the Mets lose after Mike Pelfrey gets called for THREE balks, Mets lose 2-0.

-Against the Los Angeles Dodgers Ryan Church forgets to tag third base and instead of giving the Mets a 3-2 lead he gets called out. Later in the bottom of the 10th inning the Dodgers load the bases with Brian Stokes in the mound. Outfielders Angel Pagan and Carlos Beltran misplay a fly ball and Jeremy Reed (who's an outfielder but has to play first base after a hip injury has sidelined Carlos Delgado for almost two months) makes a throwing error to home plate giving the Dodgers the win. The Mets commit FIVE errors the entire game.

All of these f****** miscues are really pissing me off. How is it the Mets are losing games by basically messing up the fundamentals of baseball. Instead of fixing their constant mistakes they continue to outdo themselves in the worst way possible.

These NY Mets this early in the season remind me of another fictional baseball team that started out the same way they did with constant miscues and blunders...

Meet Jo Koy, his son and "Ting Ting"

I recently came home from work absolutely tired and after I finished eating I was channel surfing (I never how retarded that sounds) and I came across Jo Koy and his Comedy Central special, Don't Make Him Angry! I laughed so hard after watching the clip above on television that I literally cried tears. Even just listening to it makes it just as funny... enjoy ladies and gentlemen.

*Sorry about the sound clip... I tried to search for an entired video clip and this was the best I could muster up. I failed you my peeps! Enjoy... TING TING!!!!

Quote of the day

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
George Carlin

Word of the day: Nalgas

Nalgas: It's the Spanish word for buttcheeks.

Sentence: Everytime I see an image of Vida Guerra I get the urge to want to stick my face into a nice pair of Nalgas.

[Photo courtesy of www.myspace.com]

Welcome to Hell

So I've been working at Wal-mart aka. Wally World for a while... for a very long while. This is the s***** job I need to put up with in order to help pay my bills for now.

Fact: I dislike my job more than Miss California Carrie Prejean dislikes a civil union between two gay individuals.

Fact: I work harder than the American and French people who helped built the Statue of Liberty.

Fact: I don't get any credit for busting my ass at work... not even a measly pat on the back.

This is my schedule during weekends: Friday: 2pm-11pm, Saturday 11am-8pm and Sunday 7am-4pm. The Wally World gods suck the fun out of my weekends... go figure!

Fact: Four out of five days I get delivery trucks at work. I get between 10-12 pallets full of merchandise. It's my responsibility to fit all of this merchandise into a freezer/cooler that make my house look like Foot Locker.

True Story: This past weekend I busted my ass all weekend. Sunday afternoon I received yet another truck at about 1:45pm. Having just finished having lunch I wasn't too excited about it... but I sucked it up anyways. My boy (who shall remain nameless) was suppose to start working at 2pm. I fit most of the pallets in by myself, except for a few where I did get some help. My boy comes strolling into work at 2:45pm... that right there is f***** up! I needed my dude's help and he comes into work as if the world is fine and everything is just dandy.

[My boy left early that Friday at 5pm, he has Saturdays off and he still shows up late to work on the one Sunday I needed his help.]

After I tell him how f***** up that was... he has the nerve to tell me, "Yo it was 1:30pm and I was still laying in my bed. I didn't feel like coming in today." Like yo my dude are you f****** serious? I hadn't seen anything this messed up since Michael Jackson held his baby over a balcony with his puny arms. Then when I suggested that he's lazy he tells me he isn't.

Lazy: disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous.

If that isn't lazy then Idk what the f*** else to do. [End of story]

True Story: This past Monday I had a bunch of stuff to do... as usual. As soon as I clock in at 7am I start working on refilling all of the milk doors. While I was working my supervisor Carlitos needed me to do something... so I'm like sure I got it. At the same time a manager approaches me and tells me that a cashier from up front is going to help me take care of the milk while I do the task that Carlitos asked me to do. Ok cool, I pull out an entire cart of milk to the floor so that the other associate could work on it....

When I get to the milk aisle I see a lady who works up front standing by the milk. I didn't think much of it until she tells me, "Hi I'm here to help you with the milk." I look at her with a Napoleon Dynamite look (dumbfounded) on my face. Not to be disrespectful or anything I tell the lady, "Miss I don't think that they should have you doing this... the crates themselves would be too heavy for you to even hold."

There was no need to get angry at the lady because I knew that it wasn't her fault. Sending her to come and help me with the milk is like sending a paraplegic to run up the stair cases of the Empire State building. It just doesn't make any sense. I told the lady that it wasn't fair for her to help me that it's fine for her to go back to the registers... and I proceeded to do everything all by my lonesome.

Wally World and their staff of baby geniuses never cease to amaze me. [End of story]

[Photo courtesy of willpen.wordpress.com]

My new favorite MC: Asher Roth

It's good to see yet another white rapper... I'm serious. Besides obvious choices such as Atmosphere, Eminem and ummm I think that's pretty much it for me. I like hearing dudes like Asher Roth breah new life into Hip-hop.

The song above "La di da" has become my official anthem. The song is self explanatory after you listen to it a couple of times.

"Life without struggling, yeah right
Make one mistake, won't make that twice
Out of sight out of mind, find yourself out of time
Buy your own pants, get your hands out of mine"

Life's always going to be struggle whether it's good or bad, that's pretty simple to understand. Mistakes and life go together like marshmallows and cereal. Everybody can always learn from mistakes... that's why they always occur(I've learned this the hard way).

"When I cant take it, I cant take it no more
This is what I say
La Di Da Da Da, La Di Da Da Da, Over
When you cant take it, When you cant take it no more
This is what you say,
La Di Da Da Da, La Di Da Da Da Over"

This has to be my favorite part of the entire track. I actually sing this to myself each and everytime I feel frustrated now a days. My dude Asher Roth rhymes about real s*** which people like me can actually relate too... thank you Mr. Roth!

Quote of the day

"There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
That's gon' make it hard to smile in your future
But through whatever you see
Through all the rain and the pain
You gotta keep your sense of humor
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit
Remember that"
Scarface ft. 2Pac- Smile

Word of the day: Furry

Furry: Possibly the strangest sub-culture in all of geekdom. Furries range from being harmless fans fascinated by anthropomorphic characters and animals, to immensely withdrawn or self-abosrbed persons who actually believe, or want to believe, they're eagle-winged fox-like versions of themselves with giant gentalia who wouldn't dare be anything else that could be considered mundane. Furries defy any coventional or unifying definition.

Sentence: I remember the time I went over to this girl's house to fool around and as soon as she opened the door she was dressed in a Hello Kitty costume... I said, "Wtf! Why are you dressed that way?" She responded, "Well I haven't told anybody this but when I'm in my house I LOVE to dress up as a Furry!" I then proceeded to turn around and I walked away.

[Photo courtesy of www.zentendo.com]

Viewtiful Joe

I LOVE baseball... I keep tabs on anything and everything that is baseball related. Right now I can't help but try to understand what Joe Girardi is trying to do with the 2009 version of the NY Yankees.

-At 13-14 the Yanks are 5.5 games back of the first place Toronto Blue Jays.

-Just last year the Yanks didn't make it back to playoffs for the first time since 1994.

-Hal and Hank Steinbrenner provide Girardi with more fire power to the team by adding CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Mark Teixeira and Nick Swisher.

Let's compare the 2006 Florida Marlins to the 2009 NY Yankees:

-Mike Jacobs < Mark Teixeira
-Dan Uggla > Robinson Cano
-Hanley Ramirez = Derek Jeter
-Miguel Cabrera < Alex Rodriguez
-Jeremy Hermida < Nick Swisher
-Alfredo Amezaga < Johnny Damon
-Dontrelle Willis < CC Sabathia
-Scott Olsen < A.J. Burnett
-Ricky Nolasco < Andy Pettitte
-Josh Johnson > Joba Chamberlain
-Anibal Sanchez < Phil Hughes
-Joe Borowski < Mariano Rivera
-Matt Herges < Phil Coke

What the above mentions is this... Girardi almost took a no name Marlins to the playoffs in 2006. Their record was 78-84, 4th place in the NL East, this is not bad since most baseball writers picked them to finish dead last in the division that year. Girardi also won the award for NL Manager of the Year.

With a Yankee team this talented you're telling me that he only has them playing .500 baseball. That's not good enough... especially when you're replacing a legend such as Joe Torre. In Hollywood terms Girardi went from managing the young kids from "The Sandlot" to managing a veteran squad like the one with Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes were a part of with the Cleveland Indians in "Major League Baseball."

Girardi... you need to step your game up!

[Photo courtesy of www.hotstovenewyork.com]

Santana's Town

New York is Santana's Town... and most importantly he does all of the talking with his arm.

This year thus far these are his stats:
4-1, 0.91 ERA, 54 Ks

The guy should seriously be 5-0... but Daniel Murphy had to drop a deep fly ball in left field against the Florida Marlins earlier this season.

Let's look at some more remarkable stats:

-Johan has one loss in his last 23 starts... talk about being consistent.

-He has allowed no more than two runs in his last 12 starts.

I'd have to say that he's definitely worth the $137.5 million the NY Mets paid to Johan to come and play in Queens.

It's scary to know that Johan is usually a slow starter at the beginning of the season, but if he's this good this early then the rest of the NL better watch out.

Don't mess with the Johan!

[Photo courtesy of vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com]

Dwin's Dimes: Megan Fox

Stats:

Birthday: 5/16/1986
Birthplace: Rockwood, Tennessee
Measurements: 34-26-34
Height: 5'6 tall
Occupation: A beauty sent from the Heaven's above to come and be an actress.



This is Megan Fox. Guy's know that she's smoking hot! Women wouldn't be able to say anything negative about her... even they can agree that she's hot!

If Jesus Christ were alive and able to see Megan Fox he'd probably say, I'd eat it!

It's funny to know that when us guys discuss the movie "Transformers" the conversation goes a little like this:

Dude #1: Bro, "Transformers" was a good ass movie.
Dude #2: Hell yeah, everything about the movie was awesome. Especially the hot chick in the movie.
Dude #1: OMG! That woman look so damn good!
Dude #2: Yessir, indeed she did. I'll tell you this, "I'd suck a fart out of her ass."

God forbid the day I meet a douche who would have the nerve to say that this woman isn't attractive. I'd personally gouge both of his eyes out Oedipus style.

Fox's best feature is definitely her face. Exotic eyes and luscious lips? She looks beyond lovely.

Honestly speaking though her body is average... but who the f*** cares. Small waist, perky boobies and a nice Caucasian tight tushy.

Let's not forget the tattoos either... each one does make her that much hotter. I know that a woman with too many tattoos might be a little trashy, but with Fox she definitely keeps it classy.

Fact: Megan Fox puts Angelina Jolie to shame... you better believe it!

If there's one thing that's wrong with Megan Fox it's not her but her douche of a fiance... the ultimate tool: Brian Austin Green of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. I personally don't know why is she with the guy, but if I were him I'd make it a top priority in life to not lose Miss Fox. May the force be with you guy... you're going to need it.



Megan Fox thank you for blessing us regular joes with your exemplary beauty. God certainly did spend a little more time on you... High 5 for Jesus!

[Photo courtesy of open.salon.com]
[Photo courtesy of communities.canada.com]
[Photo courtesy of www.i-video-4u.com]

Word of the day: Scotra

Scotra: A female who loves to give head for fun or that is willing to toss someone's salad.

Synonyms: Sucia, Puta, Slut, Whore, Skank, Skallywag, Huecilla, Smut Bucket, Cum Dumpster, Chickenhead, Jezebel.

Sentence: Yo Jeremy tell me why is it that this filthy Scotra just finished sucking my d*** the other day and now she wants me to take her out to a Broadway musical.

[Photo courtesy of www.seekingarrangement.com]