Quote of the day

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson

Word of the day: Douchebaguette

Douchebaguette: A female douchebag. A woman who exhibits characteristics of a douchebag.

Sentence: Why is it everytime I see this girl Amy she always acts like a Douchebaguette whenever she sees me and my pals.

Most Valuable Phony

So David "Big Papi" Ortiz just recently hit his first homerun in 149 AB (At Bats) this season.

This is the same guy who single handedly changed the culture of the Boston Red Sox... he was a Dominican version of Babe Ruth. But now the guy has about as much power in his bat as David Spade had in the film "The Benchwarmers."

Question: Did Big Papi take PEDs (Performing Enhancing Drugs)? I'd have to say YES!

I don't hate Big Papi... he's definitely a good dude. But any and all evidence would seem to suggest otherwise.

These are his homerun totals with the Minnesota Twins:

1997: 1 HR/ 49 AB
1998: 9 HR/ 278 AB
1999: 0 HR/ 20 AB
2000: 10 HR/ 415 AB
2001: 18 HR/ 303 AB
2002: 20 HR/ 412 AB

Big Papi doesn't seem so big now does he? The same dude who helped the Sox come back from a 3-0 deficit against the NY Yankees in the 2004 American League Championship Series was only able to muster up a career high of 20 HR in '02. I'd say that he was more like Small Papi with the Twins.

These are his homerun totals with the Boston Red Sox:

2003: 31 HR/ 448 AB
2004: 41 HR/ 582 AB
2005: 47 HR/ 601 AB
2006: 54 HR/ 558 AB
2007: 35 HR/ 549 AB
2008: 23 HR/ 416 AB

Now isn't that a complete transformation. He goes from swinging a bat like a minor leaguer to swinging a bat like a living legend... I truly smell something fishy here. While all of this is going on in Boston it should be noted that when he arrived to town he instantly became best friends with Manny Ramirez (Who's currently serving a 50 game suspension for testing positive for PEDs).

The Minnesota Twins are excellent talent evaluators... and I don't think that they would've released Ortiz if they would've known before hand that the guy could clobber homeruns about as easily as Perez Hilton could draw a penis on a celebrity photo.

I mean is it really a coincidence that as soon as Major League Baseball begins to crack down on PEDs Ortiz's homerun numbers begin to go down as fast as Karrine "Supahead" Steffans goes down on a rapper at a videoshoot. I think not.

Pretty much the version of Big Papi that the Red Sox have is the same Big Papi the Twins had when he hit 20 homeruns in '02.

Be careful Big Papi... I mean I know that you're innocent until proven guilty, but your career stats would seem to suggest something different.

Oh Big Papi who hit 54 homeruns in '06... where art thou?

[Photo courtesy of tory1993.wordpress.com]

The Greatest Sport Moment in all of History

You may be asking yourself what might that moment be... well let me first introduce you to a man named Al Bundy.



The year was 1966, Bundy's Polk High School Panthers were facing off against Andrew Johnson High School for the city championship. This was the game that changed Bundy's life forever. Never have I seen a more dominant high school sports figure since LeBron James played basketball for St. Vincent-St. Mary High School.

Not only did Bundy score FOUR touchdowns in that one game... but he also scored the game winning touchdown with only seconds to spare. Bundy will forever be remembered as not only a great shoe salesman but also as the greatest high school football player of all time.

And if you don't believe me then I'll just let the man tell you the story himself.



[Photo courtesy of www.thedreamshake.com]

H1N1: The New Pandemic

Mad Cow disease?

Avian Bird Flu?

SARS?

Now it's Swine Flu or as it's currently known, H1N1. It seems as if with every new year that comes by it's a brand new disease that's introduced to the entire world. Before H1N1 came around I really didn't give two s**** about all other diseases.

Mad Cow disease? Screw that I'm having myself a crave case from White Castle.

Avian Bird Flu? I'll just make sure not to go to any of the local parks in Jersey.

SARS? Isn't that crap running wild in the Asian continent?

When I first heard of H1N1 I began to think what's next? Are we going to get attacked by giant fruits like in that old 80s flick "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!"

I knew this one was going to be different... just because a bunch of cases started popping of. So many of the cases occurring were happening right by my neighborhood. It's insane how a disease that started in Mexico traveled all the way to Queens, NY. Then all of sudden here it comes across the Hudson River to Jersey.

Just recently a grammar school about 10 blocks from my house just got shut down with supposed flu like symptons running wild throughout the school... woah! Now that's definitely some concerning s***.

What worries me the most is my damn job... once again Wally World you come through! I could see myself coming to work strapped up with weapons than The Punisher and a Taliban fighter combined. Lol, okay so I know it's not that serious... but I mean you never know. Since Wally World started making new renovations the store has become smaller and much more cramped. You must be a true masochist to come to the store on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. A store filled with massive amounts of people, to have to make a long line to be able to pay for your stuff and with aisles tighter than Miley Cyrus' butthole... Wally World just wants us to get the H1N1 virus soon enough.

Now that this new virus has hit so close to home... who know where it just might end up next.

All I know is that I'll definitely have my flask of Jack Daniels, a small bottle of Holy Water, a necklace made of pure garlic and my trusty boxcutter ready to slide and dice virus filled motherf******!

[Photo courtesy of motls.blogspot.com]

Let's go Mets?

Let's take a closer look at some of the major lowlights the NY Mets have had this 2009 season:

-Daniel Murphy drops a fly ball against the Florida Marlins and the Mets lose, even after Johan Santana threw a gem.

-Carlos Beltran decides to run pass home plate instead of just sliding, he gets tagged out and the Mets lose versus the St. Louis Cardinals.

-Pedro Feliciano gets called for a balk at the mound and there goes another game the Mets lose.

-Gary Sheffield drops a fly ball out in left field, but the Mets still win the game.

-Instead of going for a sweep against the San Francisco Giants the Mets lose after Mike Pelfrey gets called for THREE balks, Mets lose 2-0.

-Against the Los Angeles Dodgers Ryan Church forgets to tag third base and instead of giving the Mets a 3-2 lead he gets called out. Later in the bottom of the 10th inning the Dodgers load the bases with Brian Stokes in the mound. Outfielders Angel Pagan and Carlos Beltran misplay a fly ball and Jeremy Reed (who's an outfielder but has to play first base after a hip injury has sidelined Carlos Delgado for almost two months) makes a throwing error to home plate giving the Dodgers the win. The Mets commit FIVE errors the entire game.

All of these f****** miscues are really pissing me off. How is it the Mets are losing games by basically messing up the fundamentals of baseball. Instead of fixing their constant mistakes they continue to outdo themselves in the worst way possible.

These NY Mets this early in the season remind me of another fictional baseball team that started out the same way they did with constant miscues and blunders...

Meet Jo Koy, his son and "Ting Ting"

I recently came home from work absolutely tired and after I finished eating I was channel surfing (I never how retarded that sounds) and I came across Jo Koy and his Comedy Central special, Don't Make Him Angry! I laughed so hard after watching the clip above on television that I literally cried tears. Even just listening to it makes it just as funny... enjoy ladies and gentlemen.

*Sorry about the sound clip... I tried to search for an entired video clip and this was the best I could muster up. I failed you my peeps! Enjoy... TING TING!!!!

Quote of the day

"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
George Carlin

Word of the day: Nalgas

Nalgas: It's the Spanish word for buttcheeks.

Sentence: Everytime I see an image of Vida Guerra I get the urge to want to stick my face into a nice pair of Nalgas.

[Photo courtesy of www.myspace.com]

Welcome to Hell

So I've been working at Wal-mart aka. Wally World for a while... for a very long while. This is the s***** job I need to put up with in order to help pay my bills for now.

Fact: I dislike my job more than Miss California Carrie Prejean dislikes a civil union between two gay individuals.

Fact: I work harder than the American and French people who helped built the Statue of Liberty.

Fact: I don't get any credit for busting my ass at work... not even a measly pat on the back.

This is my schedule during weekends: Friday: 2pm-11pm, Saturday 11am-8pm and Sunday 7am-4pm. The Wally World gods suck the fun out of my weekends... go figure!

Fact: Four out of five days I get delivery trucks at work. I get between 10-12 pallets full of merchandise. It's my responsibility to fit all of this merchandise into a freezer/cooler that make my house look like Foot Locker.

True Story: This past weekend I busted my ass all weekend. Sunday afternoon I received yet another truck at about 1:45pm. Having just finished having lunch I wasn't too excited about it... but I sucked it up anyways. My boy (who shall remain nameless) was suppose to start working at 2pm. I fit most of the pallets in by myself, except for a few where I did get some help. My boy comes strolling into work at 2:45pm... that right there is f***** up! I needed my dude's help and he comes into work as if the world is fine and everything is just dandy.

[My boy left early that Friday at 5pm, he has Saturdays off and he still shows up late to work on the one Sunday I needed his help.]

After I tell him how f***** up that was... he has the nerve to tell me, "Yo it was 1:30pm and I was still laying in my bed. I didn't feel like coming in today." Like yo my dude are you f****** serious? I hadn't seen anything this messed up since Michael Jackson held his baby over a balcony with his puny arms. Then when I suggested that he's lazy he tells me he isn't.

Lazy: disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous.

If that isn't lazy then Idk what the f*** else to do. [End of story]

True Story: This past Monday I had a bunch of stuff to do... as usual. As soon as I clock in at 7am I start working on refilling all of the milk doors. While I was working my supervisor Carlitos needed me to do something... so I'm like sure I got it. At the same time a manager approaches me and tells me that a cashier from up front is going to help me take care of the milk while I do the task that Carlitos asked me to do. Ok cool, I pull out an entire cart of milk to the floor so that the other associate could work on it....

When I get to the milk aisle I see a lady who works up front standing by the milk. I didn't think much of it until she tells me, "Hi I'm here to help you with the milk." I look at her with a Napoleon Dynamite look (dumbfounded) on my face. Not to be disrespectful or anything I tell the lady, "Miss I don't think that they should have you doing this... the crates themselves would be too heavy for you to even hold."

There was no need to get angry at the lady because I knew that it wasn't her fault. Sending her to come and help me with the milk is like sending a paraplegic to run up the stair cases of the Empire State building. It just doesn't make any sense. I told the lady that it wasn't fair for her to help me that it's fine for her to go back to the registers... and I proceeded to do everything all by my lonesome.

Wally World and their staff of baby geniuses never cease to amaze me. [End of story]

[Photo courtesy of willpen.wordpress.com]

My new favorite MC: Asher Roth

It's good to see yet another white rapper... I'm serious. Besides obvious choices such as Atmosphere, Eminem and ummm I think that's pretty much it for me. I like hearing dudes like Asher Roth breah new life into Hip-hop.

The song above "La di da" has become my official anthem. The song is self explanatory after you listen to it a couple of times.

"Life without struggling, yeah right
Make one mistake, won't make that twice
Out of sight out of mind, find yourself out of time
Buy your own pants, get your hands out of mine"

Life's always going to be struggle whether it's good or bad, that's pretty simple to understand. Mistakes and life go together like marshmallows and cereal. Everybody can always learn from mistakes... that's why they always occur(I've learned this the hard way).

"When I cant take it, I cant take it no more
This is what I say
La Di Da Da Da, La Di Da Da Da, Over
When you cant take it, When you cant take it no more
This is what you say,
La Di Da Da Da, La Di Da Da Da Over"

This has to be my favorite part of the entire track. I actually sing this to myself each and everytime I feel frustrated now a days. My dude Asher Roth rhymes about real s*** which people like me can actually relate too... thank you Mr. Roth!

Quote of the day

"There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see
That's gon' make it hard to smile in your future
But through whatever you see
Through all the rain and the pain
You gotta keep your sense of humor
You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit
Remember that"
Scarface ft. 2Pac- Smile

Word of the day: Furry

Furry: Possibly the strangest sub-culture in all of geekdom. Furries range from being harmless fans fascinated by anthropomorphic characters and animals, to immensely withdrawn or self-abosrbed persons who actually believe, or want to believe, they're eagle-winged fox-like versions of themselves with giant gentalia who wouldn't dare be anything else that could be considered mundane. Furries defy any coventional or unifying definition.

Sentence: I remember the time I went over to this girl's house to fool around and as soon as she opened the door she was dressed in a Hello Kitty costume... I said, "Wtf! Why are you dressed that way?" She responded, "Well I haven't told anybody this but when I'm in my house I LOVE to dress up as a Furry!" I then proceeded to turn around and I walked away.

[Photo courtesy of www.zentendo.com]

Viewtiful Joe

I LOVE baseball... I keep tabs on anything and everything that is baseball related. Right now I can't help but try to understand what Joe Girardi is trying to do with the 2009 version of the NY Yankees.

-At 13-14 the Yanks are 5.5 games back of the first place Toronto Blue Jays.

-Just last year the Yanks didn't make it back to playoffs for the first time since 1994.

-Hal and Hank Steinbrenner provide Girardi with more fire power to the team by adding CC Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Mark Teixeira and Nick Swisher.

Let's compare the 2006 Florida Marlins to the 2009 NY Yankees:

-Mike Jacobs < Mark Teixeira
-Dan Uggla > Robinson Cano
-Hanley Ramirez = Derek Jeter
-Miguel Cabrera < Alex Rodriguez
-Jeremy Hermida < Nick Swisher
-Alfredo Amezaga < Johnny Damon
-Dontrelle Willis < CC Sabathia
-Scott Olsen < A.J. Burnett
-Ricky Nolasco < Andy Pettitte
-Josh Johnson > Joba Chamberlain
-Anibal Sanchez < Phil Hughes
-Joe Borowski < Mariano Rivera
-Matt Herges < Phil Coke

What the above mentions is this... Girardi almost took a no name Marlins to the playoffs in 2006. Their record was 78-84, 4th place in the NL East, this is not bad since most baseball writers picked them to finish dead last in the division that year. Girardi also won the award for NL Manager of the Year.

With a Yankee team this talented you're telling me that he only has them playing .500 baseball. That's not good enough... especially when you're replacing a legend such as Joe Torre. In Hollywood terms Girardi went from managing the young kids from "The Sandlot" to managing a veteran squad like the one with Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes were a part of with the Cleveland Indians in "Major League Baseball."

Girardi... you need to step your game up!

[Photo courtesy of www.hotstovenewyork.com]

Santana's Town

New York is Santana's Town... and most importantly he does all of the talking with his arm.

This year thus far these are his stats:
4-1, 0.91 ERA, 54 Ks

The guy should seriously be 5-0... but Daniel Murphy had to drop a deep fly ball in left field against the Florida Marlins earlier this season.

Let's look at some more remarkable stats:

-Johan has one loss in his last 23 starts... talk about being consistent.

-He has allowed no more than two runs in his last 12 starts.

I'd have to say that he's definitely worth the $137.5 million the NY Mets paid to Johan to come and play in Queens.

It's scary to know that Johan is usually a slow starter at the beginning of the season, but if he's this good this early then the rest of the NL better watch out.

Don't mess with the Johan!

[Photo courtesy of vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com]

Dwin's Dimes: Megan Fox

Stats:

Birthday: 5/16/1986
Birthplace: Rockwood, Tennessee
Measurements: 34-26-34
Height: 5'6 tall
Occupation: A beauty sent from the Heaven's above to come and be an actress.



This is Megan Fox. Guy's know that she's smoking hot! Women wouldn't be able to say anything negative about her... even they can agree that she's hot!

If Jesus Christ were alive and able to see Megan Fox he'd probably say, I'd eat it!

It's funny to know that when us guys discuss the movie "Transformers" the conversation goes a little like this:

Dude #1: Bro, "Transformers" was a good ass movie.
Dude #2: Hell yeah, everything about the movie was awesome. Especially the hot chick in the movie.
Dude #1: OMG! That woman look so damn good!
Dude #2: Yessir, indeed she did. I'll tell you this, "I'd suck a fart out of her ass."

God forbid the day I meet a douche who would have the nerve to say that this woman isn't attractive. I'd personally gouge both of his eyes out Oedipus style.

Fox's best feature is definitely her face. Exotic eyes and luscious lips? She looks beyond lovely.

Honestly speaking though her body is average... but who the f*** cares. Small waist, perky boobies and a nice Caucasian tight tushy.

Let's not forget the tattoos either... each one does make her that much hotter. I know that a woman with too many tattoos might be a little trashy, but with Fox she definitely keeps it classy.

Fact: Megan Fox puts Angelina Jolie to shame... you better believe it!

If there's one thing that's wrong with Megan Fox it's not her but her douche of a fiance... the ultimate tool: Brian Austin Green of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. I personally don't know why is she with the guy, but if I were him I'd make it a top priority in life to not lose Miss Fox. May the force be with you guy... you're going to need it.



Megan Fox thank you for blessing us regular joes with your exemplary beauty. God certainly did spend a little more time on you... High 5 for Jesus!

[Photo courtesy of open.salon.com]
[Photo courtesy of communities.canada.com]
[Photo courtesy of www.i-video-4u.com]

Word of the day: Scotra

Scotra: A female who loves to give head for fun or that is willing to toss someone's salad.

Synonyms: Sucia, Puta, Slut, Whore, Skank, Skallywag, Huecilla, Smut Bucket, Cum Dumpster, Chickenhead, Jezebel.

Sentence: Yo Jeremy tell me why is it that this filthy Scotra just finished sucking my d*** the other day and now she wants me to take her out to a Broadway musical.

[Photo courtesy of www.seekingarrangement.com]

Word of the day: Man-Crush

Man-Crush: This occurs when a man has a "crush" on another man in non-sexual manner but in an idolizing manner.

Sentence: After having watched "I Love You Man" I have a giant Man-Crush on Jason Segal.

[Photo courtesy of www.myspace.com]

Murs: The Pain

Ladies and gentlemen the man above blessing us with his verbal skills is Murs, he's from Cali. This track is called The Pain, and this is one kind of pain that most fellas could easily relate to.

"I'm a little bit shaded by a lot of what I see
So if you're still interested you should come get at me
Cause I'm tired of getting shot down, put down and dissed
I wanna be picked up, held tight and kissed"

What I love about Murs is that he keeps 100% G (Gangsta). While other rappers rhyme about having money, women, cars and anything else of monetary value that most people can't relate to, Murs rhymes about being a real dude having to deal with real issues. Here he rhymes about the trouble he's facing in wanting to get together with a female who probably wasn't right for him from the beginning.

"They say that good girls love bad guys and that might be
But a bad girl with a good guy, that's unlikely
So what's a man to do to get to hold hands with you?
Do I talk shit and stand and look hard with my crew?"

Good girls love bad guys... but a bad girl with a good guy? Like Murs said, that's unlikely. I don't think I've ever seen a bad girl with a good guy. It's pretty much always the other way around. I've had my personal experiences with bad girls and just like the fate of every white female in the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" movies, it has never ended pretty.

The next two lines speak in volumes. A lot of guys always put up this tough exterior and try to act hard... and all of this is done just to get a female's attention. Whatever happened to just being yourself. I could easily picture some fool acting tough, "I'll kick anyone's ass if they just look at me." In the meantime it so happens to be that a really pretty female walks by and she happens to over hear what the idiot just said. Lol, I don't know how this could possibly develop into something meaningful.

"Said she had a boyfriend, just trying to be nice
But I've heard the same lines from different women all night
Too easy let down, but don't let it get you down
Shit, that's what my boys told me, but end of the night
I was still sitting lonely, if only I could find 'em
Without all the drama, without the one-liners
Excuse me miss, hey mam, you got a man, what's ya name?
I'm in my mid-twenties so enough with the games
Simply put I think you're stunning, and what about some kids?
A couple dogs, a couple cars, a four bedroom crib?
Look, I'm not trying to jib, I'm just speaking from the heart
But we can start with a drink if you wanna play it smart
She looking at my boy who got two kids at home and
I know how it goes, here's his number telephone and
He does the girl's turf, and I know you're smelling on him
But every b**** needs a dog, so I guess that's why you want him"

The entire section above is pretty much the story of my love life. I can't even count the countless times I've been rejected and I've had a friend or my sister tell me, "Don't worry Dwin you'll find somebody." Yup, only if it was that easy. After each and every rejection I go back to my drawing board to figure out what to do next. It sucks to always end up back at square one... it's tough but that's just life, I keep it moving.

It's songs like these that I could listen to repeatedly and never get tired or annoyed. Thank you Murs for making tracks like these for all of us guys who aren't complete ass*****.

Word of the day: Friend Zone

Friend Zone: It's the zone every man wants to avoid when it comes to a female he likes. Being in the Friend Zone is like joining a gang... once you're in it's hard to get out. To explain what being in the Friend Zone means I'll just quote Ryan Reynolds' character in the film "Just Friends.":

"See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp."

Sentence: "Dude Ashley told me that I remind her of her brother Josh... I think I'm stuck in the Friend Zone."

[Photo courtesy of www.mrswagger.com]

Joe Budden: Are you in that mood yet?

I know I know... Joe Budden is wack to all of those who don't actually take the time out to listen to him. Yes his first and only album on Def Jam did flop... I mean the dude did at least release to hit singles: Pump it up and Fire. What I like most about Joe was the fact that he was a local dude from Jersey. All of that bulls*** doesn't matter though... what does matter is the song I posted above.

Look over the quotables below:

-"It's stuck between platinum and flop, underground and mainstream
Concious, backpack, scratch that, same thing OH"

-"I'm somewhere between the real and the fakeness
The red pill, blue pill, real and the Matrix"

-"I don't enjoy bein shunned, so I'm back as Neo
Fans enjoyed The One, annoint me as begun"

-"I just let n***** get a head start YEAH
I walk to the finish, y'all spread out chase
Nah sprint out pace, and I'll still win the race YEP
See I'm joggin
Other n***** legs starts wobblin, when opportunity is start knockin"

-"I'm far from a "YES" man, I'm a trend setter
It's no games, just a Def Jam Vendetta"

-"Don't put n***** in the same sink as me
I mean metaphors, storylines, deep s***, club s***, girl s***, world s***
They don't use to ink like me
N***** don't even think like me NAH"

-"Your first week ain't right, they can't f*** wit 'em
Now if you don't sell 5 mill, they had enough of 'em
Let me find out Hip Hop's turnin' Republican"

-"I'm the Mets, was suppose to be ill in '05 WHOA" (This quotable stings just a little since I'm a Mets fan)

-"No names should be mentioned but mine, unless you talkin' Big Pun in his
prime
Maybe '96 Jay, before Dame was throwin' money around
Or 2pac without Humpty around
Or 50 before Em, Nas talkin' like a gun in his song
Cam'ron during "Children Of The Corn"
Beans before the cops came through and try to grill 'em
I'm talkin '95, Big L before they killed 'em
Em before 8 Mile, Shyne before the deal sh***
Canibus, no album out before the L s***
Talkin' bout Kiss, DMX when he was f*****' wit coke
Or "Cuban Linx," Raekwon and Ghost
I do it all, who blendin' so well in the game
Talkin' Fab, back when he was still spellin' his name MANG
On my Diddy s***, Memphis, Grizzlie s***
Like back in the day when Clue swiped all of Biggie's s*** N****
Rappers don't need trouble with I
Unless it's Rass Kass before the D.W.I
Or Talib with Mos, Common before "Be"
If they any less common, don't put 'em before me
See, I'm not a rapper, I'm a prophet
Chill Joe stop it, skill will speak for you, don't pop s***"

OMG!!!!!! STOP IT JOEY... YOUR KILLING 'EM!!!!! This song is a lyrical tongue lashing...

Even though it's damn near three years old I still hold this track near to my heart. The beat sounds sinister... this song inspires me to take over the world!

Let me just say this about this track... the ENTIRE song is a quotable!

Word of the day: Shocker

Shocker: Is a popular hand gesture with a sexual connotation. The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the little finger into the unwitting anus, hence the "shock". Also known as "two in the pink, one in the stink."



More Shocker euphisms courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

-Dos en el hueco, con uno en el seco.

-Two in the condom muncher, one in the donkey puncher.

-Two in the hair pie, one in the brown eye.

-Two scoops of strawberry, one scoop of chocolate.

Sentence: The only way I'll ever truly love her is if she'll let me give her the Shocker.

[Photo courtesy of www.qbn.com]

Dwin's Dimes: Julia Bond

Stats:
Birthday: 2/26/87
Birthplace: Long Beach, California
Measurements: 36C-25-35
Height: 5'0 ft. tall
Weight: 100lbs
Profession: Adult Film Star



Best Features: Ass, belly piercing, tattoos and everything else.



When I first laid my eyes on this pretty young female the first thing that came to my mind was... She's way too damn pretty to even be in porn. That was before I saw her tushy and the first thing that I thought about was:

"I'm the new phenomenon like white women with ass..." Ludacris- Blow it out

She's white, with a bloated butt and she has a cute face... I think I might just be falling in love. Don't get me wrong, I do love my Latin women... but Julia Bond certainly does rep white women well.

Besides the obvious cute face and delicious rump the one feature that makes Julia unique is definitely her tattoos... which include:

-Two cat paws on her chest.
-A tramp stamp on her backside above her buttcheeks that says "Daddy's Little Girl."
-A circle design around her belly button.
-A till death do us part tat on her left arm.
-One on her right arm.
-The last one is a set of angel wings that takes up almost her entire back... she's certainly one very naughty angel.

I don't mind a girl with tattoos... as long as they look right and sexy. With Julia Bond I know the angel wings do tend to go a bit overboard... but I still find her to be a very foxy lady.



Julia pretty much has that "Girl Next Door" look, which I love, but with a seductive side. Julia Bond you're definitely a dime in my book.

[Photo courtesy of olharesportivo.wordpress.com]
[Photos courtesy of www.lataco.com]
[Photo courtesy of www.trytyku.com]

Word of the day: Bukkake

Bukkake: Is a sexual practice that features a person being ejaculated on by multiple men.

Origin: It's been said that Bukkake was originated in ancient Japan where an unfaithful woman was publicly humiliated by being tied up as every man in town ejaculated over her.

Sentence: The town whore can usually be found at any after hours spot being jizzed on by every guy present... it's like she's the Queen of Bukkake.

Hoop Heroes: Cherokee Parks

His name is Cherokee Bryan Parks... and most people will definitely not recognize him at all. Only hardcore NBA fans will remember him. The only reason why I know him is because when I use to collect NBA trading cards as a young lad I would ALWAYS get his card in most of my packs. I felt as if the NBA was trying to mind f*** me with his name.

Parks began his basketball journey playing for Coaching legend Mike Krzyzewski and Duke University. He would selected by the Dallas Mavericks in the 1st round of the 1995 NBA Draft. Throughout a decade long career Parks played for the Mavericks, Mineesota Timberwolves, Vancouver Grizzlies, Los Angeles Clippers, San Antonio Spurs, Washington Wizards and Golden State Warriors.

Let's take a look at his career stats:

Career Games: 472
Games Started: 151
PPG: 4.4
RPG: 3.60

Career Highlight: It definitely has to be winning the 1992 national title with the Duke Blue Devils as a freshman.

Fun Fact: Parks' mother named him after his great-grandmother, who was a member of the Cherokee tribe.

Cherokee Parks you might not be an NBA legend... but you're certainly a legend in my heart!

[Photo courtesy of cache.gettyimages.com]

The N.....

Let me just say that I don't condone the use of the N word.

I was shocked the first time I saw this clip on Youtube. Hearing Booker T. use the N word on the old WCW sounds about as bad as hearing Larry Bird call a white teammate a honkie. I laughed so hard the first time I saw this clip I damn near cried... and I still laugh everytime I see it.

What makes the clip even so amusing, besides hearing the N word, is who Booker calls the N word. He says Hulk Hogan... yes that Hulk Hogan, the same one who starred in Rocky III as the famous "Thunderlips." Mr. No Holds Barred, Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando... that very same Hogan you saw in those American classic films.

Hearing Hulk Hogan being called the N word on live television reminds me of a Paul Mooney (Comedian) observation where he mentioned brilliant things such as these:

- Tom Cruise as The Last Samurai?
- Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts starring in a movie called The Mexican?
- That's like having Tom Hanks star in a movie titled, The Last N**** on Earth.

You have the unbelievably white "Mean" Gene Okerlund and Sherri Martel. I don't know Stevie Ray, Booker's brother, managed to keep a straight face. If that was me I would've laughed out loud.

Well Booker even though you messed up big time... I still think you're the man!

"Hulk Hogan... we're coming for you n****!"

New s***!

Why is it that everytime I go to Hoboken, NJ, I always hear these same damn three reggaeton songs all the damn time.

Your s*** is weak people... come on!

Every single time I go to Bahama Mamas it's always the same thing on Thursday nights. I don't mind the $1 beers, that's why I actually show up in the first place. I don't mind hearing people sing karaoke... it's pretty amusing. Most of the females who come to the bar are also attractive. What does bother me the most is that when they play actual music, they always play the same three f****** songs that I posted above.

Music has a catalogue that is beyond extraordinary with sooooo many choices to pick from... but Bahama Mamas seems to think that these three songs above are the only reggaeton songs available on planet Earth.

If it was up to me I'd go into the bar with earplugs just so that I won't have to hear this garbage. Don't get me wrong though... I do love dancing to this garbage but can they at least play something that's at least a bit new. I don't want to dance to some old ass songs from 4-5 years ago.

The most amusing part about this is when these songs come on... if your Latino you'll accept it and you'll dance to it. If you're Caucasian you're getting excited and amped up about these old ass songs as if you were Julia Stiles when she hits the club up in Save the Last Dance (Sorry).

Bahama Mamas... I love your $1 beers but you need to step up your music game!

Dwin's Dimes: Carmen Villalobos

Born on July 13, 1983 in Barranquilla, Colombia (YES!), I fell in love with this Colombian beauty as soon as I saw her starring in Sin Cenos no hay Paraiso (which literally translates to Without Breasts there is no Paradise).

Carmen plays the title role of Catalina Santana, a pretty young prostitute who seeks a boob job in order to escape her life of poverty.

This pretty young female is beauty at its finest for me. She has that "Girl Next Door" look. A really cute face, nice little body AND she's Colombian... she's my ideal kind of female.



If you ever want to catch a glimpse of my future wifey (lol, YES!) you can see her on Sin Cenos which is shown on Telemundo Monday-Friday at 10pm or you can also watch it on Mun2 Monday-Thursday at 9pm.

Carmen, you're so beautiful my dear... so beautiful that I'd suck a fart out of your ass!

[Photo courtesy of www.nydailynews.com]
[Photo courtesy of webnovelas.forumup.org]

Oliver's Twist

So my beloved NY Mets are (2-1), that's not bad. I couldn't help but notice who pitched yesterday for the Metropolitans... it was the enigmatic Oliver Perez.

I'd honestly like to say that if the Mets don't succeed this year... part of the blame should go to Oliver Perez.

Before I tear this pitching douche a new ass**** let's take a look at his career stats:

2004: 12-10, 239 SO, 2.99 ERA
2005: 7-5, 97 SO, 5.85 ERA
2006: 3-13, 102 SO, 6.55 ERA
2007: 15-10, 174 SO, 3.56 ERA
2008: 10-7, 180 SO, 4.22 ERA

Ladies and gentlemen please meet the King of Inconsistency: Ollie Perez.

Watching Ollie pitch is like watching any of the five Saw sequels... they are either good or bad.

When Omar Minaya traded Xavier Nady for both Ollie and Roberto Hernandez I thought that it was a very smart move. During that time Pedro Martinez was gone for the whole year so the team needed a starting pitcher to help the team. He certainly did help the team out in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS Championship Series against the St. Louis Cardinals... even though we lost.

Ollie's inconsistency gets redundant after a while. His upside includes that fact that he's 27 and that he could definitely be a strikeout artist when he's locked in. He could pitch a solid gem against a good team like the Atlanta Braves, Philadelphia Phillies or even the NY Yankees. His downside is that he'll just lay an egg against teams like the Pittsburgh Pirates or the Washington National.

I'd definitely give a lot of props to pitching coach Dan Warthen for having patience with Ollie... I know that if I was his pitching coach I would've been heated as soon as he walks the 1st batter in a game.

The Mets paid Ollie $36 million to come back to the Mets this past off-season... he needs to earn that money. The Mets overpaid for Ollie... instead of overpaying for Derek Lowe (who I wish we had). So now us Mets fans must cross our fingers and hope... we've been hoping for 2 seasons and a half... that Ollie will turn things around and potentially become a great pitcher.

Man up Ollie...

[Photo courtesy of www.nydailynews.com]

Movies that don't suck: The Wizard (1989)

This is a long lost flick which not a lot of people remember (Or at least that I know of). As a young lad I didn't see the movie until it came out on VHS (this is before DVDs people) in 1990.
I remember watching this movie and saying to myself... sheesh I wish I could be like that kid. With that kid being Jimmy (Luke Edwards). The movie is A Beautiful Mind meets Nintendo. In the movie Jimmy is retarded (mentally challenged). He doesn't speak but yet he is the man at any and all video games... especially Nintendo.

If that's not freaking awesome enough, Jimmy also has two half-brothers: Fred Savage as Corey and Christian Slater as Nick. That's about as cool as having a third nipple.

The villain in this flick is Lucas Barton (Jackey Vinson)... and trust me I had a personal vendetta against this ass****. Not only was this kid awesomely good at video games but he also had the almighty Nintendo Power Glove!

F.Y.I: I remember asking "Santa Clause" for a Power Glove... and I never got it. I don't even think that dissapointment is even the word.

When Jimmy and his cohorts hear about a video game tournament offering a cash prize of $50,000 they hitchhike to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, so that he could participate in the Nintendo World Video Game Championships.

The particular parts that I loved most about the movie is the video games that are shown throughout the movie.

- Rad Racer
- Ninja Gaiden

Last but not least it's Super Mario Bros. 3, what's interesting is that the game is shown for the very first time in the movie. The game was already released in Japan but it was yet to be seen in the U.S.

I don't want to ruin the rest of the movie... but if you're The Wizard then I don't think there's nothing stopping you.

If you love Nintendo then you'll love The Wizard.

[Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.com]

Hoop Heroes: Bimbo Coles

In life there's no game that's as much fun as naming random NBA players which only real sports fans will actually recall. The NBA goes through players both new and old about as often as Marv Albert loves saying the phrase, YES! These true NBA greats never get the proper love they so rightfully deserve... no need to worry though that's why I'm here to make sure that nobody forgets these hoop heroes.

For my 1st installment I thought I would show a little love to a man who's name I found very amusing since the first time I saw him throughout my collection of NBA trading cards when I was a young lad.

Ladies and gentlemen... allow me to reintroduce Vernell Eufaye Coles aka. Bimbo Coles #12.

As a guard, Coles played college ball for the Virginia Tech Hokies. He was selected in the second round by the Sacramento Kings in the 1990 NBA Draft... and he would end up having his draft rights traded the very same night to the Miami Heat for veteran guard Rory Sparrow.

One notable career highlight: He would end up being traded along with Kevin Willis to the Golden State Warriors for Tim Hardaway and Chris Gatling.

Let's take a look at this man's incredible career averages:

Career games: 852
Games started: 354
PPG: 7.8
APG: 3.9
RPG: 2.10

Fun Fact: Coles was a high school outfielder selected by the California Angels in the 53rd round of the June 1990 Major League Baseball Draft.

Bimbo... the legacy of your name will always live on!

[Photo courtesy of bestsportsphotos.com]

A New Beginning: 2009 NY Mets

I'm a NY Mets fan... I know:

- We collapsed in 2007.

- We collapsed in 2008.

Being a Mets fan is similar to watching Tales from the Crypt... it's corny, cheesy and not scary but funny. Yet you're still strangely amused.

I've been a Metropolitans fan through the best of times (1999, 2000, 2006) and through the worst of times (1993-1998, 2001-2005).

Growing up I was always intrigued by Mets... especially at the height of their terribleness. The Worst Team Money Could Buy is a moniker that will NEVER be forgotten. Just look at these notable names:

Eddie Murray
Bobby Bonilla
Jeff Kent
Todd Hundley
Joe Orsulak
Jeremy Burnitz
Howard Johnson
Vince Coleman
Tony Fernandez
Dwight Gooden
Bret Saberhagen
Butch Huskey
Sid Fernandez

I haven't seen an eclectic group of individuals such as these since I watched Hanna-Barbera's Wacky Races when I was younger. These Mets ended up losing a whopping 103 games.

The reason why I bring this putrid situation up is to show that I've experienced far worse than two stupendous collapses.

This year I see things differently... and after seeing the Mets defeat the Cincinatti Reds 2-1 I know that there will be better days for the Mets. This is definitely a good start though.

From top to bottom our roster has plenty of good players who should help make something special out of this year. Now that the team has their 1st win all they could do is build on this momentum and just keep it going.

The only way to make all of the haters have a big cup of shut the f*** up is by simply doing what's best... winning. Let's go Mets!

[Photo courtesy of Newsday]

The biggest baby in the NFL... Jay Cutler

Congratulations Mr. Cutler!!!!! You finally got your wish... you're officially the new savior for the Chicago Bears. Before we move ahead lets go over some key moments that led his inevitable exile from Denver.

- After having missed the playoffs after a 4-0 start, the Broncos fire Mike Shanahan after 14-year stint.
- The Broncos hire NE Patriots offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, as their new head coach.
- McDaniels inquires about trading for QB Matt Cassel from the Patriots. Who's eventually traded to Kansas City.
- Cutler gets upset upon hearing about the Matt Cassel ordeal and asks to be traded.
- Cutler puts his house up for sale and his parents house for sale.
- McDaniels believes that he could still patch things up between Cutler and himself.
- Things never get patched up and Jay Cutler is traded to the Chicago Bears.

This entire debacle leads to what has to be the quote of the year in the NFL:
"I was surprised they decided to trade me this soon. I didn't want to get traded. This wasn't me. (The Broncos) had been going back and forth saying things, wanting me to be their quarterback and then they didn't. I really didn't want this. I love Denver. I really like my teammates. I didn't want it to get this far." Jay Cutler

That's real cute Cutler... I hope you know that right now you're the NFL's #1 Douchebox. Believing the notion that Cutler loves Denver and he likes his teammates is about as believable as having Bill Belichick say that he likes and respects the NY Jets.

So let's see what Cutler leaves behind:
- A high powered offense in Denver.
- WR's Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall.

Let's see what Cutler has in Chicago:
- WR's Devin Hester and Greg Olsen?
- A non-explosive offense.

I'll give it to the Bear's... their defense is still good enough to hold it down. Besides having an incredible rushing attack in Matt Forte and Kevin Jones... there's nothing else to work with.

We shall see what happens with this trade... so far I'll definitely give the edge to the Bears. Instead of having bums like Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton (who combined still wouldn't be half as good as Cutler) they now have an actual quarterback in Jay Cutler.

[Photo courtesy of allposters.com]